When Indiana University announced the resignation of men’s head basketball coach Kelvin Sampson earlier last month, Manchester College sophomore Logan Smith spat up his Frankenberries and skim milk.

  
Mostly it was because Smith choked on a marshmallow that had wandered off from the rest of the party and lodged itself in his windpipe. But along with the regurgitated milk and half-masticated cereal bits came something else entirely: opportunity.

  
“I knew it was finally the right time,” Smith said.

Shortly thereafter, Smith got on the phone with Indiana University president Michael McRobbie and spoke very briefly with him about the prospects of coaching his Hoosiers next year. That conversation led to a four-hour interrogation by IU athletic director Rick Greenspan.

  
“Basically, he asked for my credentials,” Smith said. “And he got really weird when I told him I didn’t have any.”

  
Smith has no previous coaching experience in anything.

  
“I figure it can’t be all that hard,” Smith explained. “I mean, Dick Vitale did it, and that guy’s an idiot.”

Smith, an Ohio native, claims that the secret to coaching lies within his home state.

“Ever hear of Thad Matta? Woody Hayes? Jim Tressel?” Smith enquired. “Obviously everyone has and that means everyone knows that coaching greatness was pre-written in my DNA strands and stuff like that.”

  
The Indiana Hoosiers, an eight seed in the NCAA tournament, were knocked out in the first round by SEC tournament runner-up Arkansas, a nine seed. The game wasn’t really ever close and Smith blames interim head coach Dan Dakich.

  
“Dakich doesn’t understand a thing about coaching,” Smith said. “He’s a royal [expletive] with a [expletive] coaching style and no dress sense.”

Dakich, an Indiana native, coached in Ohio at Bowling Green State University for 10 years where he finished in the top 10 on the all-time career wins list for the Mid-American Conference with 156.

“I don’t care that he coached in Ohio,” Smith said. “The important thing to remember here is that he was the assistant to a cheater, and that more or less makes him a cheater too.”

With names buzzing around the coaching carousel like Thad Matta from Ohio State, Steve Alford from New Mexico, and even the great Bob Knight, who now shares his genius on College Basketball Live on ESPN alongside doofuses like Digger Phelps and Hubert Davis, Smith thinks it makes sense that they would pick someone like him for the job.

  
“I’ve got no baggage,” Smith said. “I’m squeaky clean, like Eliot Spitzer was before that whole prostitution thing.” 

Although Smith declares himself a safe and smart choice, it made sense to get some perspective from other coaches who had found themselves in a similar situation.

However, none of them could be reached for comment. Nor did any of them wish to comment, as one publicist remarked, “Logan Smith? Who the hell is that?”

As the Final Four approaches, Indiana University prepares to make its coaching decision and Smith believes that it’s got to be him all the way if they want to win right from the start.

“I don’t need Eric Gordon or D.J. White to win with that team next year,” Smith quipped. “Both those guys are terrible anyway.” 

He failed to name any of the returning players but said that they would be household names by the time he was finished with them.

Smith’s confident he’ll get the call soon but says it won’t be the end of the world if he doesn’t land the job.

“Coaching IU would only be a stepping stone anyway,” Smith remarked. “My ultimate goal is still to coach in the NBA, that way I wouldn’t ever really have to coach.”

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