Theatre Professor Catches Squirrels

Erin Fralick

Kira Lace Hawkins, lecturer of theatre, was caught with three squirrels stowed in her purse on Tuesday, March 15.  President McFadden was strolling the campus when noticed Hawkins’ odd behavior upon seeing the scotcheroos in his possession and approached her. He asked to check her bag, and was startled to find the creatures stashed away.

While this may be Hawkins’ first time being caught, Hawkins is no stranger to catching squirrels. Hawkins has caught nearly 300 squirrels since she began teaching on Manchester’s campus. Hawkins’ motives for catching so many squirrels might be surprising. “I firmly believe that I am reincarnated from a campus squirrel,” Hawkins said.

Hawkins stated that she has been catching such a large number of squirrels in an attempt to reconnect with her past squirrel family. Hawkins believes that she may have found her awkward uncle, Earl the squirrel, but evidence was not conclusive.

Even campus squirrels are prone to skittering away when confronted by unknown sources, so Hawkins has a refined squirrel-catching technique. Her first step is to tap into the part of her soul that was once a squirrel. To do this, she begins to act like a squirrel herself and will sit at the base of any of the various trees on campus and stare at anyone who walks by. Hawkins claims that this gains the trust of the squirrels, which then allows Hawkins to strike.

Despite her normally flawless technique, Hawkins recently made a grave mistake. The theatre lecturer got too into her role as a squirrel and let it overtake her better judgment. She approached the University president, Dave McFadden, and her suspicious behavior caused him to discover her secret pastime.

Hawkins claims that she may not be the only reincarnated campus squirrel on Manchester University’s campus. “I think it’s a thing that reincarnated squirrels gravitate here,” Hawkins said. She explained that the campus gives off a home-like feeling towards reincarnated squirrels, and others could be lurking around campus.